It’s been an emotional day for us here at the CrunchyCake household.  My baby started her first day of Montessori today.  Here are a few pictures:

She’s a little shy of 20 months.  So ya, she’s little.  Wait, before I write this whole thing up, I just really need to vomit my fears onto this computer (and now your eyes…you’re welcome):

• I’m scared she’ll feel like we (I) abandoned her
• I’m scared she’ll get sick all the time
• I’m scared I’m being a lazy mom.  Most of my friends whose kids are at daycare or Montessori are there because they work so it’s out of necessity.  I’m a stay at home mom.  Shouldn’t I be the one taking care of her?
• I’m scared she’s too little and won’t understand the rules
• I’m scared I’m sending her out into the world without her momma too early
• I’m scared I’ll miss out on quality time with her
• (I’m not proud of this one)…I’m scared it will turn out that I’m a deficient mom and that my ability to teach her has been holding her back.

Ok that last one is awful because it’s about me and my insecurities.  If I am a deficient mother then it’s obviously a good thing she’ll be going to school because my girl is amazing and deserves the best this world has to offer.  I just don’t know if I’m ready to handle proof that my fears are true.  But I digress.  I can see myself getting over that one quickly.  Now that I got that out of my system, I want to talk about her exciting morning!

This morning started out a little stressful…Miss K. woke up at around 5:30 so we put her back to sleep so she would get a little more rest but then she kept sleeping until 7:30!  So we actually woke her up and got her ready to go.  New first day of school outfit, check!  Thermos of water, check!  Extra pair of clothes and shoes, check!  Diapers, check!  Super cute girl, check, check CHECK!  We grabbed the camera and loaded up in the car.  Driving there, I think Dad and I were both nervous and Miss K. was in a good mood.  We got close to her school and she started pointing and saying “school!  school!  school!”  That made me feel better (but also a little worse because she had no idea that we were going to leave her there!).

We took her inside and snapped a few pictures and she tried going into her classroom.  We had just visited yesterday and I think she remembered that she had found some interesting things there.  So instead we led her out to the play yard.  At first she seemed a little overwhelmed and was hanging on to our pants but then she was excited about all the fun stuff to do, like sit in the little tykes car and ride the little animals and check out the fire engine.  Our friends’ son (and I guess now Miss K.’s friend) is in her class and he very sweetly rode over to her on a tricycle and didn’t say anything but stayed near her for a while.  I think he was looking out for her.  We went over to the teacher and said good morning to let her know we were there but while talking to her, Karina left to go explore a little more.  We told her we were leaving and said goodbye.  The school encourages parents to keep the goodbyes short and sweet – it’s easier on the kids and the parents.  So we tried our best but then went inside and spied on her from the window.  Couldn’t help it.  She was fine.  I think she was looking around for us a few times but in general, was excited by all the new stuff to play on.  Some of the other kids were crying and sad.  I was a little worried that would spook her but she seemed fine.  And that was it.  My brave little girl!

We’ll see what she’s like when I pick her up this afternoon and how she reacts when we go back tomorrow.  I’m not delusional and know that the hard part might still be yet to come but for now, I’m really happy that it wasn’t as hard as it could have been.  And yet I cried.  For the most part I kept my composure til we left the building and then the tears started when we got inside.  Thank god my husband is as calm as he is!  She’ll be there for three hours this morning and that’s it.  I haven’t heard from the school, so I’m guessing she’s ok.

I know Miss K. and I know she’s going to do great at school.  She is brave and independent and curious and I KNOW that it might take some adjustment but she’s going to love school because she loves to learn.  I have faith in this child and her ability to adjust and thrive.  So why am I still crying?  Because I’m not ready.  I’m not ready to think of her having a life outside of our little bubble.  I’m not ready for the thought that she won’t need us as much.  I’m not ready to have a life of my own, even if it’s for a short three hours (while I’m carting around a little baby brother or sister in my tum – I’m ridiculous, aren’t I?).  My friends tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way.  So I’m going funnel my energy into something that I think will make me feel better: I’m going to write down some of the amazing things about her.  I also have this fear that in the future I’m going to forget what she is like at this age.  You may be nauseated by this mom’s gushing so feel free to stop reading here.  So here goes…At 19 months, Karina…

• has nine teeth and four molars. She loves to eat and tries just about anything.
• can eat by herself but still enjoys making a mess when she’s full.
• says more words than I can count.  She can say four syllable words like motorcycle and helicopter.
• can identify the entire alphabet.
• is starting to sing songs.
• follows directions incredibly well.
• is starting to walk up and down stairs upright (not crawling).
• knows many of her shapes and is starting to pick up colors.
• knows all of her close relatives by name/title.
• is a dance machine.
• can’t jump won’t stop trying to get airborne.
• loves scooting around on her plasma car and tricycle.
• has started trying to hug her cousin Karsin.
• rubs my belly to say hi to the baby.
• knows how to open and play apps on the iPad.
• climbs in and out of bed (but not her crib).
• sleeps about 10-12 hours each night and naps 1.5-3 hours a day.
• is not afraid of much.  She occasionally gets spooked by loud noises but otherwise is brave in most situations.
• is sweet and gives me hugs and kisses.  Sometimes her open mouth kisses are a little awkward and wet but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
• knows some of her numbers but in general thinks there are two of everything.  “How many mommies do you have, Miss K?”  “Twoooo.”  I wanna know who this other bitch is.
• can buckle herself into her stroller, booster seat, and car seat.
• is starting to show signs of potty readiness.
• will play with her legos, books, and mega bloks for up to 10 minutes on her own.
• likes climbing and riding in her stroller.
• loves fruit.
• has pretty long pigtails but her hair isn’t quite long enough to fit into full pigtails so we go half-sies.
• is wearing 18-24 month clothes.
• weighs 22 pounds and is 32 inches tall.
• wears size 6 shoes.
• is still the light of our lives.

So I’ll stop now.  I actually need to get going to pick her up soon!